Tokyo Damage Report




*walks on stage hella fast as if avoiding pursuit from the wings*

OK. Three things right off the bat. Shh. Let me speak. OK Let’s see how many of you are applauding a minute from now. OK. OK.

Three things. First, nobody should care about Ms. Trump’s so-called plagiarism.  In my ‘original’ speech, I plagiarized basically 75% of all Boy Scout 300-word essays about America. Second, spouses don’t make policy, so why even talk about it? Oh right, to prove how liberal and progressive you are. ‘White Lady Steals From Black Lady’ takes ABOUND. Stop patting yourselves on the back.

Let me tell you – if you were REALLY liberal, you’d demand that presidential spouses STOP being paraded around to these conventions like smiling props, where we’re not allowed to say SHIT, and instead forced to say things like, ‘America is great I love my husband’.

Finally, that stuff we both said isn’t even true – not only is it a lie, it’s a very insulting lie – why aren’t you mad about THAT?  “Anybody who works hard can make it”?  What is that, but a nice way of saying, “The poor deserve it because they’re lazy.”  Why isn’t THAT the scandal? OK. OK. You think that’s bad? You think that’s bad, check this out:

Imagine the looks on your faces if me OR Ms. Trump told the truth: that the way to get ahead is to be connected, inherit, sleep with the right people, have a file full of blackmail material, and cheat like hell when no one’s looking?  That would be political suicide.

But if I lie about it, that’s cool. I’m your hero, because I tell you what to hear.

You like the lies.

And you wonder why you can’t find honest politicians. And you get mad and point the finger everywhere else but yourselves.

You get mad when politicians cheat, but when was the last time you allowed an unmarried person to hold office? It’s you guys, forcing us families into these loveless, one-sided, based-on-false-pretenses-ass marriages, worse than being a gay celebrity’s beard.

You get mad at the lobbyists and the ‘money in politics,’ but treat democracy as something you only have to do once every 4 years, if you feel like it. Meanwhile these lobbyists are working 24/7 to persuade us.

Never mind the money in politics, we’d listen to them just because they never leave us alone. We’d do them favors just to get some quiet time. But all you do is yell at the TV and link to a meme. You think lobbyists are linking to memes? They’re meeting with powerful people, like right now, just off camera.

You don’t put in the work, and then you get mad. And you scold your kids for not doing their homework and thinking everything comes for free. And then you link to another politics meme.

And now you’re even mad at ME for telling you the truth.  What more proof could you ask for?

I’m Michelle Obama, First Lady of the United States wishing you a good evening and also a merry Fuck The Police.

*gets teargassed by drone*

1 comment

1 Comment so far

  1. François June 7th, 2017 3:02 am

    Hi Steven,
    Been a while I haven’t read you.
    It’s still as much a blast as ever. And spot on.

    I haven’t spent the energy to get deep in your book, sorry bout that too.

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